Absolutely Sickened

That’s how I felt today after the library staff meeting, which I naively assumed was intended to help the library work better. Obviously not. This morning, one of Eunice’s odious accomplices (a hairy little thing in Circulation) handed our Director a sheet of paper that contained a modernized text for our official anthem, “We Are All One Library”. Unbelievable gall!

We have been singing that anthem every morning before opening since 1894 when Melford Central was founded. Now, says hairball, we must have new words for the old melody “to reflect the values and community of today”, whatever those are. I could scarcely contain my rage, and I could tell from the look on Eunice’s face how much my reaction thrilled her.

I snatched the paper from the Director’s hand the minute he finished reading it. Here it is, every nauseating pixel:

We are a helping library
For the whole community
We will honor the growth
And the needs of the soul
Through outreach and advocacy.

Let the Owl Spirit soar
Above our ever-open door
For accessible wisdom
Is the way out of oppression
To diversity’s broad shore.

We are a helping community
At Melford Central Library!

Other than the objective fact that this is total doggerel, does that little mutt seriously think that we would stand for this? There is absolutely nothing left of the original anthem except for the last line, and replacing the reference to “Godly wisdom” with that drivel about the owl spirit, and the removal of the patriotic bits will never wash with the townspeople. Speaking of which, she also urged that we formally stop referring to users of the library as “patrons” because “it is a term rooted in oppressive language”. Instead, we are to wear our jaws out identifying them as “community learning partners”. Dream on, hairball!

I’ve had enough of that little runt anyway. She shuffles around the library in her ratty home-knit sweaters stained with that vegetarian gravy she sucks back at lunch every day (I do not eat lunch). There are higher standards at stake here, and I will brook no backsliding.

The great traditions of Melford Central are not up for review. However, since the Director signalled his openness to discuss the matter further, I will reply to that bunch with my own heavily retrenched version of our beautiful hymn. And I must also consult with the boys.

Safe reading,
Margaret