Absolutely Sickened

That’s how I felt today after the library staff meeting, which I naively assumed was intended to help the library work better. Obviously not. This morning, one of Eunice’s odious accomplices (a hairy little thing in Circulation) handed our Director a sheet of paper that contained a modernized text for our official anthem, “We Are All One Library”. Unbelievable gall!

We have been singing that anthem every morning before opening since 1894 when Melford Central was founded. Now, says hairball, we must have new words for the old melody “to reflect the values and community of today”, whatever those are. I could scarcely contain my rage, and I could tell from the look on Eunice’s face how much my reaction thrilled her.

I snatched the paper from the Director’s hand the minute he finished reading it. Here it is, every nauseating pixel:

We are a helping library
For the whole community
We will honor the growth
And the needs of the soul
Through outreach and advocacy.

Let the Owl Spirit soar
Above our ever-open door
For accessible wisdom
Is the way out of oppression
To diversity’s broad shore.

We are a helping community
At Melford Central Library!

Other than the objective fact that this is total doggerel, does that little mutt seriously think that we would stand for this? There is absolutely nothing left of the original anthem except for the last line, and replacing the reference to “Godly wisdom” with that drivel about the owl spirit, and the removal of the patriotic bits will never wash with the townspeople. Speaking of which, she also urged that we formally stop referring to users of the library as “patrons” because “it is a term rooted in oppressive language”. Instead, we are to wear our jaws out identifying them as “community learning partners”. Dream on, hairball!

I’ve had enough of that little runt anyway. She shuffles around the library in her ratty home-knit sweaters stained with that vegetarian gravy she sucks back at lunch every day (I do not eat lunch). There are higher standards at stake here, and I will brook no backsliding.

The great traditions of Melford Central are not up for review. However, since the Director signalled his openness to discuss the matter further, I will reply to that bunch with my own heavily retrenched version of our beautiful hymn. And I must also consult with the boys.

Safe reading,
Margaret

Regretful reflections

Dear readers, I must apologize for the rather stern tone I adopted in yesterday's posting. I do recognize that a blog must be a source of reading pleasure for the public, yet at the same time I know equally that the public has a great appettite for the "inside story", as it were, on the librarian's day-to-day experience. Maybe yesterday's thoughts, even if written in the heat of passion, will at least give you some insight into the tremendous challenges and pressures we face.

As for my comments on Eunice and her thievery, I will let them stand.

I received some lovely correspondence in the mail today. A young patron who was anxious to get materials for a school project, wrote to me with his thanks for my support in quickly retrieving a book he needed for his report on tropical plants. He even sent me a drawing of a mango tree that he made, and I plan to write him back this afternoon to tell him that it now hangs proudly on my bulletin board! It really is such a delight to help the young. The library has a great role to play in their path to productivity, so we must stand vigilant for them, especially when there are others who think reading about tropical plants is nothing more than an excuse for idleness. Thank you Bobby!

The other letter I got was from Mr. Roundtree our solicitor. He writes to tell me that he succeeded in obtaining the special permanent waiver from the Appeal Court, which will now allow my department to respond more quickly to the needs of honest patrons. As Remembrance Day approaches, it really tugs at my heartstrings to think of how these great freedoms were defended by good young men, so long ago.

Well, I must be off again. It's time for the library staff meeting, and I must admit I'm looking forward to telling Eunice and her gang all about the new waiver. But I will try not to be petty about it. As we sing every morning in our official anthem before opening, "We Are All One Library".

Safe reading,
Margaret

Reference Librarians: A Race of Sponges

Readers, it is too much. I will not hide behind the gauze of shame, or tire with collegial niceties. Instead, I will speak plain and iron facts. The Melford Central Library is a house divided, and a house divided against itself cannot stand.

I refer, naturally, to the gang of wets whose every action undermines the integrity of the library, whose outlook threatens the value—even the existence—of our superb collection, particularly the bird-watching and handicrafts holdings. It is the reference librarians, and their invidious accomplices in Circulation. As I said, it is too much.

Eunice Broadbottom, the head of Reference, leads her gang in catering to and condoning every conniving, ill-bred patron who crosses the threshold, supplying them with valuable information on holdings, and—through the conspiracy with circulation—allowing their fines and late items to go uncollected. Even those patrons who have earned a TANDEMS-5 score (that is, the worst possible ranking on the Total Awareness Delinquency Monitoring System, more on that later) are allowed to take out everything from new arrivals to DVDs without even so much as a reminder. Thanks to them and their in-house accomplices, the library is in a precarious state. Appalling!

My staff in the Tactical Response Squad and the Fine Enforcement Branch share my views, which I have delivered in numerous memoranda to the Library Director. However he, having too much of an ear for public opinion and the soft issue of public relations, prefers instead to let the conflict boil, while the holdings dwindle and the fines mount. Under the banner of “customer relations”, he has chosen to frog-march us towards certain peril, all in the aim of playing nice with those who have neither the regard for property nor the stomach for contrition.

Perhaps the Director would not be so lenient, I admit, were it not for Eunice’s endless weeping and wailing, her doe-eyed hand-wringing, about making the library “a place for everyone in Melford”. Is that too include the criminal and the deranged as well? I look at her, and I accuse.

The woman is corrupt. Last week at the library staff meeting, her trembling complaint about a recent raid conducted by the TRS left me with no choice but to rise in my chair and denounce her character (to the applause of my staff). The “unfortunate patron” she described was none other than Mrs. B of Water Street, a free-walking felon who goes about town in the risible disguise of advanced age, claiming failures of memory for every wayward act. What a mercy that the town Magistrate is sympathetic to my cause.

Now my rage is distracting me from my work. Passion is human, but to submit to it would compromise my legendary focus and my capacity for improvisation in the field that has brought me to this point in my career. I will leave you with these thoughts for now, and will get back to you once the issues of today are resolved.

Safe reading,
Margaret.

Opening day

The library is now open.

Hello world. My name is Margaret Hurtubise, and this is my little corner.

We all know the world is drowning now in a chunky stream of self-indulgent barf called the blogosphere, where anything from a queasy gag to a full-on pea-souper can get published. Still, small-town life must have its place on the map too, and who better than me to promote the sights, sounds, and--above all--safety of Melford, Ontario, right off the beautiful Niagara Escarpment.

Life in Melford is rewarding but busy. My work at the library is a seemingly endless list of demands that scarcely leaves time for the simple pleasures of reading, cataloguing and filing. But Melford, like all good towns, needs an effective public library if all its folk are to learn and recreate with the written word. And so I toil.

Yes, the Melford Central Library is a bustling little place. As Deputy Director of Security, I share responsibility for oversight of the Security Program with the Director, but most of my work is taken up with the direct management of the Tactical Response Squad and their various activities. Albert, Yussuf, Perry and Leo are a fine and dedicated bunch, but they need a firm hand to guide them and, at times, restrain them.

Melford is a lovely town, it's a real pity so few Canadians have taken the time to visit us. We have wonderful lakefront views and charming old buildings. The only thing holding us back is an unfortunate group of people with excessive late fees at the library. They are a vile scourge who should be blotted out--or so Albert tells me. But I suppose every small town must have its discontents, sponges and wastrels. What a mercy that the town council has seen fit to fund my work.

Well, I must be going. Yussuf and I have fallen behind on the annual Ballistic Vector Analysis report, and must catch up. I do hate climbing up the church steeple to take the sight lines, but goodness knows what loss of life there could be if I left the boys unprepared during an intervention.

Safe reading,
Margaret