Wonderful News

I am absolutely delighted to share with you all the results of the latest Policy Committee meeting. After extensive discussion, and with approval of the Melford Town Council, I signed off today on the Library’s new policy statement on plastic explosives. For your information—particularly for those of you with late books and fines—I now provide it. I would just like to say this was a hard-fought battle for the soul of librarianship and the public good, as well as a kick in the teeth for Eunice and her rabble.

“Policy LS-35.07.03: Plastic Explosives

"Policy Objective
The purpose of this policy is to balance the inevitably competing concerns of public safety and library integrity, and shall fall under the direction of the Deputy Director, Security.

"Scope of Application
There arise, from time to time, Holdings Recovery situations where every method sanctioned in this Manual has not resolved with a Recovery. In these cases, the DDS shall authorize the Tactical Response Squad (TRS), operating in concert with Fine Enforcement Branch (FEB), to employ plastic explosives for the purpose of fulfilling a Recovery.

"Operational Constraints
The library shall use no plastic explosives other than Semtex or CHEMEX (C4). Use of other explosives shall be a violation of Melford Central Library Policy. Plastic explosives shall only be deployed given all of the following conditions:

• The combined value of all late holdings and fees must exceed fifty (50) dollars;
• The delinquent patron shall have a TANDEMS rating of 4 or higher;
• The FEB shall supply intelligence confirming that the use of explosives will increase the Recovery Probability to at least 50%;
• A summary of prior recovery efforts shall have been supplied to the Library Director by the DDS.
  

"Accountability

Following a Recovery Event, the DDS will submit a summary the Library Director within 5 working days.”

How exciting to see our Library moving forward! I will let you know that the policy survived every single attempt by Eunice and the Circulation wets to have it watered down, including their attempt to ban explosives outright. No doubt my stern and vigorous presentation to the Melford Town Council sealed my victory, and I make no secret of the likelihood that I will use this feat to wage further war against those ninnies at the front desk.

Well, I must be off. I have a meeting with a materials broker who can get us a good contract price on Semtex. We must use the public’s dollar wisely, so expect negotiations to be vigorous.

Safe reading,
Margaret

A Fellow Gardener

Now that fall is here, everyone in Melford is finishing up the last of their yard care. Everywhere one looks, people are raking and bagging, preparing for the first snows. It is also the time of year when many people cut back on their socializing and retire to the coziness of home, turning their attentions inward. But the affairs of others never lose their hold on some.

I was walking through the main floor of the Library just this morning, when I looked across the room towards Reference and saw Eunice at her desk. Rather than talking to patrons or organizing books as she should normally be doing, I saw her with her nose buried in a stack of archived newspapers, while on her computer she had opened up several issues of the New York Times. I returned to my desk until lunchtime, when I got up and went back to Reference.

By sheer coincidence, Eunice was away at lunch, so I took the opportunity to examine her desk, and was quite puzzled to see that she was going over copies of various international newspapers from ten years ago, along with some books on terrorism. She had also accessed several editions of the Times from 1996 and ’97, and had printed hard copies of some articles on the Middle East.

Around mid-afternoon, I chanced to walk past Eunice’s desk and greeted her. She seemed somewhat put off, knowing me to be someone frequently absorbed by my work. We exchanged some conversational pleasantries, though all the while she was nervously shuffling the papers on her desk, which I took no notice of. I commented that it was a beautiful fall day, and that she might like to come have a look at the garden with me. She rose slowly from her desk and we went upstairs.

The second floor of the Library has a large window with an excellent view of the garden. As we walked up to it, I was quite surprised by the unexpected sight of Leo and Yussuf out in their gardening clothes, gathering huge piles of limbs and branches from a recently felled tree. The noise outside must have been deafening, for they had hauled onto the Library lawn an enormous, gas-powered wood chipper, into which they were feeding whole limbs at a fiendish rate.

Eunice expressed her horror that her favorite elm had been felled. I wondered aloud if perhaps the tree had grown too close to the Library, overreaching itself, thus leaving Leo and Yussuf no choice but to dispose of it. I commented on the machine, saying how remarkable it was that it could take whole limbs of green wood and grind them to a colorless pulp. I suggested it would be impossible for even the most experienced investigator to guess the origin of that pile of dust. What a mercy, I said, that those men are skilled at handling so dangerous a device.

The recent frost seems to have brought a bug around town. I can scarcely go into a shop in Melford without hearing someone coughing or sneezing. Eunice, too, must have caught the virus, for as I turned to look at her, she had gone completely pale, and stared at me with parched, unmoving lips. She did not seem at all well.

I took the poor creature by the arm and guided her back to her desk. After she seated herself, I stacked up all her recent findings and offered to clean the mess up for her. What a dreadful thing it is to be ill. All she could do was sit there and stare straight ahead, her chubby little hands clasped tidily before her on the desk, her face damp with perspiration. Thus I left her, and once back in the Security Section had Albert dispose of the whole mess in the incinerator.

The workday is over and I should be going too. I have a stew simmering in the crockpot, and plan to enjoy that comforting cold-weather food by the fire tonight while listening to the radio.

Safe reading,

Margaret

Press Release: Melford Town Council

Melford Town Council Clarifies Contract, Looking Forward to Further Success

Today, Mr. Stan Aldritch, Melford Town Councilman responsible for the Parks and Library, released the following statement in response to inquiries from the media:

“Several persons have recently either placed inquiries or made allegations in regards to the Melford Central Library’s business partnership with TDA Holdings, Inc. This is a private-sector firm that partners with the Library through the Security Section’s Fine Enforcement Branch (FEB), the intelligence division of the Section, under the capable leadership of Ms Margaret Hurtubise.

“The Town is aware that TDA is controlled, through a 51% share ownership, by Zamyatin Enterprises, a Russian firm that has received some media attention in recent months. In the tendering process for the FEB partnership contract, the Town observed the highest standards of scrutiny and proposal review. All documents were reviewed by qualified legal and accounting professionals, and the entire tendering and approval process was in compliance with the laws of the Province of Ontario.

“The Town imposed numerous concrete performance requirements in the contract, and is pleased to report that TDA has met or exceeded all expectations. A recent contract performance review by an independent auditor revealed no significant concerns.

“The Town of Melford is proud to hold a leadership role in library security, and a solid history of contract management. We look forward to future success in these areas, and consider the matter closed to further inquiry.”

End of Transmission

Press Release: Melford Central Library

A Global Humanitarian for the People of Melford

Today, at Melford Central Library, Ms. Margaret Hurtubise, Deputy Director of Security, released the following brief and comprehensive statement:

“As a proud public servant, I wish to respond openly to certain questions that were asked at a recent Town Council Meeting.

“I have had a wide-ranging career that has brought me employment in various parts of the world. From 1987 to 1996, I was employed by a non-profit educational foundation in a variety of administrative capacities, supervising humanitarian aide programs. This was a rewarding experience that continues to inform my work today.

“At no time did I hold any contract, or have any other business dealings with the Government of Syria or any of its recognized agencies. I did however travel extensively throughout Syria as part of my humanitarian work. It was a great honor to bring humanitarian assistance to many needy children in that country.

“I was indeed a resident for some time at a Saudi apartment complex named the Khobar Towers, courtesy of a joint Canada-U.S. humanitarian aide program. Like many who stayed there at the time, I was deeply saddened by the loss of life that occurred in June, 1996. I consider myself fortunate to have been able to continue my humanitarian work in this troubled region of the world.

“I have been employed as DDS at the Library since the fall of 1996 and have found the experience with the townspeople profoundly rewarding. Going forward, I will be happy to entertain any questions concerning the Library’s programs and its many successes.”

End of transmission

Renovation woes

I don’t usually have the time to watch television, but after dinner last night I managed to catch one of the new programs about home renovations. Unfortunately, watching that poor young couple tear their hair out over problems with their new kitchen only reminded me of my own worries.

No, I’m not doing any work on my own house—as DDS, I would hardly have the time to enjoy it. I’ve been busy overseeing some renovations at the library to advance my work in the Security Section, but it is bogged down in all kinds of niggling hold-ups.

To start with, the cost of excavating the new sub-basement under my area (yes, my office is in the basement...a sacrifice to patrons) has ballooned by 30%. Thank goodness the Director was able to make a successful case to Town Council for additional funds. They are a broad-minded and visionary group to whom I owe a great debt.

The main problem with the sub-basement is that the interview room (the main reason for the excavation) needs extra thick concrete walls with soundproofing. Thanks to our friends in the Far East, concrete is dearer than ever these days. There is also a drainage grate in the floor that required plumbing underneath it, thus requiring some work on the whole system. I have had to make economies by leaving the interview room's walls bare, rather than having the whole room painted black as per my original proposal, and by delaying some equipment purchases until the next year. Oh, the headaches of capital planning!

Still, I need to remember what a great help this will be once it’s complete. The boys in Fine Enforcement Branch have been shackled by all kinds of constraints in getting the information we need to do the job, and the interview room will be a great help in making life easier for everyone, especially (as I reminded the Town Council) our honest patrons. There are all kinds of people out there in town who should be providing us with the necessary assistance to recover overdue books and late fines, and having them over to the library to share their information in a helpful chat is best for everyone concerned. Never mind what Eunice says, the higher purpose must prevail.

Listen to me, I sound like that poor girl on television show whose plumber never showed up. Well, pride of ownership has its downside, but it’s also one of the things that makes our little town so great.

Safe reading,
Margaret

Absolutely Sickened

That’s how I felt today after the library staff meeting, which I naively assumed was intended to help the library work better. Obviously not. This morning, one of Eunice’s odious accomplices (a hairy little thing in Circulation) handed our Director a sheet of paper that contained a modernized text for our official anthem, “We Are All One Library”. Unbelievable gall!

We have been singing that anthem every morning before opening since 1894 when Melford Central was founded. Now, says hairball, we must have new words for the old melody “to reflect the values and community of today”, whatever those are. I could scarcely contain my rage, and I could tell from the look on Eunice’s face how much my reaction thrilled her.

I snatched the paper from the Director’s hand the minute he finished reading it. Here it is, every nauseating pixel:

We are a helping library
For the whole community
We will honor the growth
And the needs of the soul
Through outreach and advocacy.

Let the Owl Spirit soar
Above our ever-open door
For accessible wisdom
Is the way out of oppression
To diversity’s broad shore.

We are a helping community
At Melford Central Library!

Other than the objective fact that this is total doggerel, does that little mutt seriously think that we would stand for this? There is absolutely nothing left of the original anthem except for the last line, and replacing the reference to “Godly wisdom” with that drivel about the owl spirit, and the removal of the patriotic bits will never wash with the townspeople. Speaking of which, she also urged that we formally stop referring to users of the library as “patrons” because “it is a term rooted in oppressive language”. Instead, we are to wear our jaws out identifying them as “community learning partners”. Dream on, hairball!

I’ve had enough of that little runt anyway. She shuffles around the library in her ratty home-knit sweaters stained with that vegetarian gravy she sucks back at lunch every day (I do not eat lunch). There are higher standards at stake here, and I will brook no backsliding.

The great traditions of Melford Central are not up for review. However, since the Director signalled his openness to discuss the matter further, I will reply to that bunch with my own heavily retrenched version of our beautiful hymn. And I must also consult with the boys.

Safe reading,
Margaret

Regretful reflections

Dear readers, I must apologize for the rather stern tone I adopted in yesterday's posting. I do recognize that a blog must be a source of reading pleasure for the public, yet at the same time I know equally that the public has a great appettite for the "inside story", as it were, on the librarian's day-to-day experience. Maybe yesterday's thoughts, even if written in the heat of passion, will at least give you some insight into the tremendous challenges and pressures we face.

As for my comments on Eunice and her thievery, I will let them stand.

I received some lovely correspondence in the mail today. A young patron who was anxious to get materials for a school project, wrote to me with his thanks for my support in quickly retrieving a book he needed for his report on tropical plants. He even sent me a drawing of a mango tree that he made, and I plan to write him back this afternoon to tell him that it now hangs proudly on my bulletin board! It really is such a delight to help the young. The library has a great role to play in their path to productivity, so we must stand vigilant for them, especially when there are others who think reading about tropical plants is nothing more than an excuse for idleness. Thank you Bobby!

The other letter I got was from Mr. Roundtree our solicitor. He writes to tell me that he succeeded in obtaining the special permanent waiver from the Appeal Court, which will now allow my department to respond more quickly to the needs of honest patrons. As Remembrance Day approaches, it really tugs at my heartstrings to think of how these great freedoms were defended by good young men, so long ago.

Well, I must be off again. It's time for the library staff meeting, and I must admit I'm looking forward to telling Eunice and her gang all about the new waiver. But I will try not to be petty about it. As we sing every morning in our official anthem before opening, "We Are All One Library".

Safe reading,
Margaret

Reference Librarians: A Race of Sponges

Readers, it is too much. I will not hide behind the gauze of shame, or tire with collegial niceties. Instead, I will speak plain and iron facts. The Melford Central Library is a house divided, and a house divided against itself cannot stand.

I refer, naturally, to the gang of wets whose every action undermines the integrity of the library, whose outlook threatens the value—even the existence—of our superb collection, particularly the bird-watching and handicrafts holdings. It is the reference librarians, and their invidious accomplices in Circulation. As I said, it is too much.

Eunice Broadbottom, the head of Reference, leads her gang in catering to and condoning every conniving, ill-bred patron who crosses the threshold, supplying them with valuable information on holdings, and—through the conspiracy with circulation—allowing their fines and late items to go uncollected. Even those patrons who have earned a TANDEMS-5 score (that is, the worst possible ranking on the Total Awareness Delinquency Monitoring System, more on that later) are allowed to take out everything from new arrivals to DVDs without even so much as a reminder. Thanks to them and their in-house accomplices, the library is in a precarious state. Appalling!

My staff in the Tactical Response Squad and the Fine Enforcement Branch share my views, which I have delivered in numerous memoranda to the Library Director. However he, having too much of an ear for public opinion and the soft issue of public relations, prefers instead to let the conflict boil, while the holdings dwindle and the fines mount. Under the banner of “customer relations”, he has chosen to frog-march us towards certain peril, all in the aim of playing nice with those who have neither the regard for property nor the stomach for contrition.

Perhaps the Director would not be so lenient, I admit, were it not for Eunice’s endless weeping and wailing, her doe-eyed hand-wringing, about making the library “a place for everyone in Melford”. Is that too include the criminal and the deranged as well? I look at her, and I accuse.

The woman is corrupt. Last week at the library staff meeting, her trembling complaint about a recent raid conducted by the TRS left me with no choice but to rise in my chair and denounce her character (to the applause of my staff). The “unfortunate patron” she described was none other than Mrs. B of Water Street, a free-walking felon who goes about town in the risible disguise of advanced age, claiming failures of memory for every wayward act. What a mercy that the town Magistrate is sympathetic to my cause.

Now my rage is distracting me from my work. Passion is human, but to submit to it would compromise my legendary focus and my capacity for improvisation in the field that has brought me to this point in my career. I will leave you with these thoughts for now, and will get back to you once the issues of today are resolved.

Safe reading,
Margaret.

Opening day

The library is now open.

Hello world. My name is Margaret Hurtubise, and this is my little corner.

We all know the world is drowning now in a chunky stream of self-indulgent barf called the blogosphere, where anything from a queasy gag to a full-on pea-souper can get published. Still, small-town life must have its place on the map too, and who better than me to promote the sights, sounds, and--above all--safety of Melford, Ontario, right off the beautiful Niagara Escarpment.

Life in Melford is rewarding but busy. My work at the library is a seemingly endless list of demands that scarcely leaves time for the simple pleasures of reading, cataloguing and filing. But Melford, like all good towns, needs an effective public library if all its folk are to learn and recreate with the written word. And so I toil.

Yes, the Melford Central Library is a bustling little place. As Deputy Director of Security, I share responsibility for oversight of the Security Program with the Director, but most of my work is taken up with the direct management of the Tactical Response Squad and their various activities. Albert, Yussuf, Perry and Leo are a fine and dedicated bunch, but they need a firm hand to guide them and, at times, restrain them.

Melford is a lovely town, it's a real pity so few Canadians have taken the time to visit us. We have wonderful lakefront views and charming old buildings. The only thing holding us back is an unfortunate group of people with excessive late fees at the library. They are a vile scourge who should be blotted out--or so Albert tells me. But I suppose every small town must have its discontents, sponges and wastrels. What a mercy that the town council has seen fit to fund my work.

Well, I must be going. Yussuf and I have fallen behind on the annual Ballistic Vector Analysis report, and must catch up. I do hate climbing up the church steeple to take the sight lines, but goodness knows what loss of life there could be if I left the boys unprepared during an intervention.

Safe reading,
Margaret